'Whenver its real, whatever awaits me'

I had a nap of sorts, one of those states of half consciousness and then I woke up completely and I felt such an acute sense of loss like nothing that I’ve felt so far. It was definite without being solid or sharp. It didn’t come from any particular part of my body, I sort of felt it everywhere I think it’s because it was just loss on its own; unpolluted by denial or regret, just a sad, tender acceptance of an ending. My rational side is cringing but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was leaving the city at the point that I woke up at. I n't know if I beieve in that stuff but I hope sometimes he’ll think of me and miss me. I then had two slices of birthday cake and picked off all the little bits of flake from the rest of the cake. I felt bloated and empty. I don’t like the aftertaste of chocolate; that slight sourness of dairy that’s left clinging to your tongue; it’s too much like regret. I forgot to make a wish this year. My mum had bought these candles for me they were different colours and each one was in the shape of letter and together they spelt out happy birthday. I lit them and then I looked away for a few seconds and by that time they’d managed to melt halfway and they were dripping hot wax onto the cake and melting the cake so I had to blow them out and then once I had I realised I hadn’t made a wish. I wonder what I would have wished for though.