While caught in a tsunami of self loathing and only the purest terror I, in typical Ghada fashion made a desperate and anti climatic attempt to eradicate myself and evidence of my existence by deleting the blog. I really don't think I need to explain how idiotic and ineffective and, worst of all, relief less the impulse or it's manifestation were- I'm allowing myself, in an unusual expression of self- kindness, to keep a hold of some infitestimal amount of integrity having probably handed the greater part of my self respect (packaged determinedly in a 4 page long rant) to an egomaniac. Again, I say greater and not all as a gesture of clemency to my near pureed self esteem and struggling ego which is currently, lets say, on the tender side. It seems though, that the worst of the overdramatized self loathing is over and has been reduced mainly to spontaneous abdominal wrenches that are followed by the need to lie on my stomach with the fan on for a period until the feeling passes or eases enough atleast, for me to put the abomination back up and resume my basic daily functions-
I really need to write up my evaluation!
In other news, I have begun to pursue the crocheting of my 3 metre long, maroon thing in the opposite direction, simultaneously undoing and redoing stitches to give my readopted hobby a quality of fervour not unlike that exhibited by the fanaticism of repetitive, religious ritual. Half laughing(and perhaps, half hoping)at the possibility of clarity and enlightenment being born from obsessiveness,to salvage my mind and deliver me to stoicism and complete detachment.
I have also managed to put my genes to the test and finally answer the pressing question that has no doubt been niggling at the back of everyone's mind for the past 18 (almost 19)-what do you do with 2 brackets?-(the question of whether I burn or tan) with white bordered regions of painfully scorched flesh and an even broader range of tones now making up my complexion. Lovely. Be aware however, there is still a chance might go brown; my hands are showing promising signs, i'll keep you posted.
